36 Reasons Why I Love You
by The Last One To Fall
Summary: James needs 36 reasons to keep on living. Kendall gets an idea to save his life. Way better than it sounds. Warnings include: self-harm, abuse, mentions of the R word, cheating, cussing, SLASH!
1. Prolouge

**Author's Note: This idea came to me through the thought that everyone does low numbers or 100 reasons. I thought that I would be different and post 36. Tell me what you think please. Critism welcome. No flames. Flames are for marshmellows and fireplaces, not for stories. Enjoy ^^**

**Disclaimer:****I don't own Big Time Rush or any of the songs I plan on using. **

Tell Me 36 Reasons Why You Love Me

Kendall sat at his desk in the shared room between him and James. His pencil was between his thumb and forefinger, absent-mindedly bouncing it again and again. Lines formed in his forehead as he pondered James' request for the billionth time.

"_James, what do you want me to do to prove that I'm not lying?" Kendall begged. His lover stood silently in the pouring rain, too close to the ledge for his liking. Only noises heard were the sounds of LA and of the thunderstorm raging around them. His pulse beat faster with each moment that his question was unanswered. Finally, the drenched brunette broke the silence. _

"_Give me 36 reasons why you love me, 36 reasons why I should live. Don't give me ones like 'you're beautiful' or 'you have an amazing smile'. If you do, I want you to explain them in detail…. I want them to be real." He stated. Kendall gaped at him like a fish out of water. Silence engulfed them once again as the blonde thought of something, anything to say. _

"_Alright. I will. Just… Just promise me you won't do any rash until I give them to you." Kendall responded. James nodded with a slight hesitance. The older boy held out his hand but the younger ignored it and walked back into the building, leaving Kendall standing there soaked and broken hearted. _

He wiped away the tears of anger and frustration with a quick hand. He was grateful that Logan was so paranoid about James' mental state that he and Carlos never left the boy alone. That being said, they also never let Kendall anywhere near him. But Kendall could live with that; he didn't deserve him until he could prove himself worthy, to him and to himself.

Angrily, he growled and tapped his pencil against the desk. Frustrated, he slammed the writing utensil down, ran both hands through his hair and leaned back in the chair. Kendall had imagined it would be hard, but it was damn near impossible! His head hit the desk as he thought about how he had landed himself in this current situation.

Making a mistake was one thing, but sleeping with your ex girlfriend 3 times behind his back was another. James was fragile since what happened with that one guy…. But everyone had thought that he was doing better and that he would get past it. Then Kendall went and destroyed all the work and trust he had spent years building with a single one night stand with someone he knew he shouldn't be near.

Tears formed and began rolling down his cheeks as he buried his head in his arms that he had laid across the surface of the desk. Days and days he had spent trying to come up with things. Yet he had none. The only ones he had were the ones that James had told him not to use. Yet, those were some of the ones Kendall thought were important.

Hours passed and still nothing came. It was really late into the night when the idea hit. He was staring at the clock with a blank expression when it came. Quickly, he began to write it all down on a single sheet of paper. He smiled a brilliant smile when he finished. The idea was perfect. James was going to love it. Kendall tucked it away in a safe place and crawled into bed. His plan would start the moment that his one true love was well again. It was the first night in a long time the blonde had gotten a good night's sleep.


	2. Chapter One Beautiful

**A/N: Woohoo! Finally go the first chapter up! Score one for me! I promise not to abandon the story, it just might take me a while to update since I'm incredibly busy. So sorry if it does take me a while. I'll try to update as soon as possible. On with the story!**

**1. You're always beautiful, even in your worst moments**

James woke up around noon that Thursday. His head hurt and his throat burned. The pristine bandage covering his left wrist itched like a bitch. He coughed weakly into his hand before falling back on Logan's bed.

The pretty boy turned and curled up in the blankets, coughing quietly again. His chest burned. James wasn't very happy with his current situation. He had been crying so much that his throat was raw and it stung to swallow. Once again, he coughed, feeling drained even though he just woke up.

Logan had heard him and entered the room to take his temperature. The older boy tisked softly before handing James a cup of water. The younger took it and barely had a sip before breaking into another coughing fit. Logan rubbed his back, hugging him when it was over.

Tears began to form again in James' eyes. They began rolling down his cheeks as he pulled his knees to his chest. Logan sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He gave the sobbing boy another hug and asked if he wanted anything. James had said no, only wanting his iPod at the moment and to be left alone. Logan complied and got the item before leaving.

Still crying lightly, James turned on the device and inserted the headphones into his ears. He eased back and tugged the blankets back up. Slowly, he took his iPod in his hand and found the song that he was looking for. At that point in time, he really had a strong desire to listen to Hollywood Undead. 'Hear Me Now' came on and he soon fell asleep listening to the rap-core group. Only one part kept playing in his head.

"Where'd you go? Where's your home? How'd you end up all alone? Can you hear me now? There's no light, there's no sound. Hard to breathe when you're underground. Can you hear me now? Hear me now!"

James woke up again a few hours later. Night had already begun to fall, painting the sky dark shades of blue and violet. Stars began to sprinkle the painting of beauty and added light to the darkness. The boy sitting there, staring out the window, dreamed of a time that made sense to go outside, sit under the stars and watch them come out with the one he loved. But that was a memory that belonged to another lifetime.

Tears began falling again, raining down upon him like rain in a city. He stifled a sob and slowly got out of bed. James shuffled his feet to the bathroom. He walked in and didn't even spare a passing glance at the mirror, heading straight for the shower.

He striped down and stood under the burning water. Though it scalded his body, it felt wonderful. It began to remind him of a time that Ken… he would hold him in such a warm embrace. Tears fell faster and the pretty boy buried his face in his hands. He was crying with such a force, it hurt to breathe. Minutes that felt like hours later, he shut off the water and got out.

Drying off, James stood in front of the mirror, trying to comb his hair. Even his looks were suffering from the depressed state that he was in. He stared a moment and then noticed a piece of paper hanging on the reflective glass.

_Dear James,_

_Where do I start? I began the list you gave me. Actually this was the first thing on said list…. There's really no easy way to say this…. James, I love you. I'm willing to do anything for you. So, that list you wanted is going to take course of the next 36 days. You get one reason everyday. Promise. Onwards to reason 1!_

_I love how beautiful you are, even on your worst days. Remember the day that your mom died? You had been crying so much and not caring about your looks. At the funeral, you stood there, tears running down your cheeks, not saying a word. I thought that you looked gorgeous in your tux. It's incredibly messed up but… I think you're so beautiful, even when you stop giving a damn about your appearance.. _

_I'm ending this now because if I don't, I'll give away every single reason. That wouldn't be fun now would it? I love you. What I did was a mistake that will never happen again. All I want is to see you laughing and happy again. I love you._

_-Kendall_

Almost crying once more, he held the letter to his chest and sighed deeply. He got dressed and crawled back into bed. There was one difference this time; he fell asleep with a smile on his face and not a single hair out of place.

**A/N: **Cheesy ending anyone? haha just kidding :) leave me a review please?****


	3. Chapter Two Cinnamon Rolls

**A/N: Wow! I'm so sorry for the delay on this chapter! I really have no excuse. I'm so sorry and I hope you all can forgive me. Thank you all for the reviews, faves and story alerts. They mean a lot to me. Anyways, here's the second chapter! Enjoy :)**

The next morning, Logan went into the shared room he currently had with James and checked on the teen. He was sleeping so soundly and peacefully so Logan didn't really have the heart to wake him up to eat breakfast. Instead he made a mental note to save him something for when he did wake up.

He headed out into the kitchen and found both Carlos and Kendall chowing down on some cinnamon rolls. Very ninja like, Logan took a couple and place them on a plate before setting them in the microwave. Before the Latino could ask, Logan explained that they were for James when he woke up. Carlos nodded his understanding before eating again.

Logan caught Kendall's downcast gaze and couldn't help but feel sympathy for the boy. This was hard for all four of them. But this was for James' own good along with Kendall. It had to be done. Or at least that's what Logan kept telling himself.

The smart member of the group began eating his cinnamon roll with a thoughtful look on his face. Carlos didn't notice because of the fact that he just ran off to the pool and Kendall didn't catch it because he was heading into his new room, the one that was shared with the hyper active boy. Logan just smiled at the two and sat on the couch to watch TV before the brunette awoke.

James was having a pleasant dream about nothing in particular. It had something to do with dinosaurs and pancakes, a lot of fluffy pancakes with butter and maple syrup. They sounded so yummy. The pretty one didn't want to get up but the thought of food made it impossible to stay asleep.

Upset about his sleep loss, James crawled out from under the blankets and stumbled into the dining area. Logan looked up from his nature documentary thingy when he heard something hit the chairs at the breakfast bar. He smiled at James who gave a weary grin back.

"I saved you some cinnamon rolls, they're in the microwave." Logan said. James gave him his thanks before pulling the plate out. He had already devoured one when he noticed a slip of bright pink construction paper.

Confused, James pulled it out and sat down. Carefully he began to unfold it and chuckled quietly at Kendall's atrocious handwriting. He began eating another sticky treat as he read the note.

_James,_

_Wow. Second day already. Damn! We're doing good! Only 34 more to go! Well, this is my second note to you so that means that it's my second reason. Reason #2; I love how much you adore cinnamon rolls._

_You were 13 and anorexic. You had spent the night at my house and the next morning, Mom made cinnamon rolls. Remember how I almost had to shove it down your throat so that you would eat it? I do. You loved them so much that you had four of them. I was so happy because after that, you began eating again and began looking a hell of a lot healthier. I believe that everyone was happier, including you._

_I'm done with this reason so expect a new one tomorrow. I hope you know I'm sorry and I love you._

_Kendall_

_PS Did you like breakfast? I made it myself. _

James smiled, still staring at the note and remembering the memory. He had kinda gone crazy when one of the cheerleaders had called him fat. He couldn't remember if she was joking but he refused to eat for months afterwards. Kendall was the one who got him to eat again. And he was thankful for that.

Carefully, he folded it up and placed it in his pocket. He took one last bite of his cinnamon roll and went back into his room. Logan was watching him the entire time, wondering what James was reading. He shrugged, not really caring. The dark haired boy went back to his program.

The brunette set the note with the first and went into the bathroom to take a shower. He couldn't wait for tomorrow.

**A/N: Reviews?**


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